I went through some of this with my 2002 Corvette a couple years ago... There are commercial tools for tuning but they don't give you the whole contents of flash memory like EcuFlash does, so there's no hacking community like there is for Subaru. I was fortunate that a few other people had already figured out some of the fundamentals.
https://github.com/LegacyNsfw/PcmHacks/It's a hard problem and you'll have to attack from different directions at once.
Hardware reverse engineering:
Open the ECU and find out what kind of CPU is in there, because you might have to write code for it.
Also find out what kind of flash memory chip is in there, because you might have to write code to read / erase / write it.
Get datasheets for the ECU and flash.
Software reverse engineering:
Look for a debugging tool for the CPU in the ECU.
Use it to dump the contents of the flash chip.
Open the software in IDA Pro or Ghidra.
Protocol reverse engineering:
Find out what protocol is used to communicate with the ECU, get something that can monitor the messages.
Record the messages that get sent/received during a software update, probably at the dealership.
Figure out what those messages are doing. This might be hard.
Write software that emulates the dealership's flash tool. This might be hard. That tool might be sending code to the ECU that runs during the flash process. It might suffice to just re-use that code at first, but if you want to release an open source tool you'll need to write your own from scratch.
After you have flashing working, then there's the matter of finding all of the tables that you edit to tune the car. This is more software reverse engineering.
And you'll also want to be able to do data logging. If you can find an existing data logging tool (dealerships might have one) you can start with protocol reverse engineering. If not you'll have to reverse engineer the firmware to find the data logging stuff. We lucked out in that other people had already done some of that work for GM ECUs.
It's a big undertaking. Asking your friends to do it for you might not work. If they don't own the same care they're not going to be motivated enough to do a job this big. If there's a forum for your make/model, ask if there are any people there who would be willing to tackle this problem. Software development skills help a lot, but it's not necessarily a requirement if someone has enough motivation.